i'm not deceased nor have i turned into a zombee

alls well...

2006-03-01T19:49:00.000-08:00

all is well at the moment. things with the house are well under way infact we get to move in by the end of the week. go us!!! i have a very nice new boyfriend. his name is sean. oddly enough, both rents have met him and like him. i'm currently not happy with myself, i think i have managed to put back on a little weight. but i refuse to get any bigger. i think all the stress of moving caused it. only becuase when i get stressed i eat lot! so less stress equals no wieght gain.
hmm...oh my job at the fillet is going well and i am rather happy with the people i work with. rah.
hmm...
...
...
...train just derailed.
anyways since i lost what i was going to say i'm off.

interesting things going on right now...

2006-01-03T13:10:00.000-08:00

ok here are a few interesting things that are going on in my life right now:

first:
my dad and step mom have decided to buy a little place for my sister and i to share while we finish school and the such like that. score for me!! this means that i will have a place to move to after my lease is up in feb.

second:
i may be getting a car here pretty quick.

and lastly ...ok i lost it but that doesn't matter.anyways thought i'd let the family know whats going on in my life so i'll talk to you later!

starting the new year right

2006-01-01T16:46:00.000-08:00

this year i have decided to start the new year right with eating my black eyed peas and spending time with people that are important to me.i guess i'm trying to get a little closer to my friends. they mean a lot to me and i need them right now. so in laymans terms i'm just going to chill and enjoy life to it's fullest until work starts back and then i'll see them when i can. yeah that sounds right. anyways i finally got my confermation on my amazon orderit should be here relativly soon. so then i'll have book 3 in the crow graphic novels and the first 2 laurell k. hamilton/anita blake books. woot.i have also decided that i'm going to stay single for a while. so i won't really be bringing home any new guys for a while. sorry. and i'm guessing that you're all going "oh yeah that really hurts us. now we don't have to worry about you getting hurt."

anyways i'm kind of running over at the mouth right now and not really making much sense with it either.
so signing off!

no more holliday stupor.

2005-12-30T12:25:00.000-08:00

i am quite glad that the holliday season will be completly over here very soon.just one more silly party and the season will be done!! no more gorging myself on holliday cookies and junk food but then again i'm not really wanting to see let alone look at another cookie for a very long time. nor do i want to look at turkey/ham again. sometimes i think that the holiday's are here for me to make myself fat. but not to worry i know why they really exist. anyway i'm not in a very talkative mood today but i wanted to let everyone know that i really loved my gifts and the time i got to share with everyone this holliday season. i love all of you very much and don't ever forget that.

silly holliday thing...

2005-12-25T15:41:00.000-08:00

ahh i hope everyone has been having a safe ( or at least relatively) holliday and all that jazz. i am now the proud owner of a flip phone all thanks to the dad and stepmom! anywho i'll contact those that i can. talk to you all later.

life goes on...

2005-12-01T15:48:00.000-08:00

life goes on and continues to get better and better!! i think i have a job lined up.(for real this time!) my friend toni is a manager at the coffehouse /delli we have on campus at nsu and i am supposed to come talk to her tomarrow. aw yeah!! anyways i have decided that i am much better off as a single person. i can sow my wild oats (as the saying goes) and not feel bad or have to worry about the significant other getting upset or whatever. o guess i have finally reached a point in my life where i am content with being single. it makes me happy. i am however still friends with you know who and i am actually getting to know other people more. i guess i'm just waiting for my silver lining( in the job world) to show up next.
anyways i'm sighining off.

current mood: great
current music: alice in chains

stupid men...

2005-11-03T13:26:00.000-08:00

yes men are stupid!!!i personaly believe that most men all except for a select few need to be shot!!! if you'r wondering where this came from i got dumped.and no i don't really want to go into detail. i just figured that this is the best way to let the family know. and don't even think about setting me up. i really don't like it when people do that. i mean come on if someone just got dumped recently then i don't tink they really want to jump right into a new relationship!!i don't know i guess i'm just a little bitter. i still care gretly for him and i will be his friend it's just going to take me a little more time. the realization i have made recently however is that i changed my entire life to be able to see him more. i almost ruined a very close freind over him.( not a good thing. )o don't know iguess things are a little easier for me to see now that i have decided to go back to tulsa. i have 2 optons i can stay with mom or if my luck is actually holding i might be able to stay with mel my stepsister. either way it would only be for a short time. just until i got my own place.

current mood: bored and dumpy
current music mood: the cure(seems to happen a lot)

"maybe this move will be the change i need to pull it all together."

even more blah...

2005-10-26T08:51:00.000-07:00

yup as you can tell nothing exciting has been going on. i still haven't found a job and i can't seem to get the motivation to go to class. it sucks. i am however going and i am really trying to get things together. i know its a little stupid to say but i almost want to quit.just quit all of it and get some mindless job that will keep me alive for a little while, or at least until i can get my head out of my own ass and figure out whats wrong.i don't quite see that happening but then again i'm not sure why i'm even thinking that way. oh well i guess it's just me blowing off steam. i guess you could say i'm having an early twenties crisis. (instead of a mid life crisis.) it's kind of funny to me though, i mean i really don't think i'm supposed to be doing that really but then again there's no telling. oh well i'm still spouting.

" i guess what i really need is to become indipendently wealthy...or to hit the ."

blah...

2005-10-14T12:27:00.000-07:00

well the next few weeks are going to be an interesting trial of my relationship. j.p.'s (recently decesed) brothers birthday is coming up as well as the holidays. this is going to be just oh so much fun. and if you believe me i have some lake front property in nevada for you! anyways...
i hope everyone liked the pics. i have more in my yahoo photos but i don't remember how to let other people see them. i'll figure it out and post it for everyone. i heard from memaw that tom and tim my beloved uncles had surgery this week and i am sincerly hoping that everything went well. by the devine graces of whatever there is out there i haven't recieved any bad news so things must be good. anywho i am going to sign off.

"i'll just keep on truckin till i run out of road."

stupid site are bringing me down!!!

2005-10-12T09:55:00.000-07:00

i'm posting a picture of j.p. in this one as well as a picture of myself. none together yet. we don't really like pictures of being taken that much. anyways things are looking up right now. i am looking forward to a new job (undisclosed at the moment) and a nice break.

well as you can tell i'm in a small ranting mood. i have been tryin for quite a while to post my picture with my blog profile but it's never worked. well now i have a photo url entered and it wont work because of my "wacky question", it's stupid.

i hope you guys like the pics and enjoy your day, mine is only going to get better. "it better!!" but trust me it will.

on a side note some of my friends think i should have gone into buisness instead of computers.

ugh...

2005-10-06T12:26:00.000-07:00

mood today: dreary
music mood: brit rock

yup today makes me feel all gloomy and sad. not sure why but i am so chsnging into my strappy pants and going all punk-ish for the rest of the day. i go to take my test for the job at taco bell today(i hope), it all depends on if my old boss valerie put a d.n.h on my file with corporate. otherwise i'm sure i can go to charlies and get a job there. its hiring. i don't think i spelled that right, but my net nanny wont let me use my spell check because it's a pop-up.
on a new note j.p. goes to get his permanents tomarrow so he'll be all morphined out when he gets back sunday. i hope he has a nice visit with his dad though. i guess things are progressing well there is now discussion of me meeting his family. his dad even says hi to me now when he call him. it's odd.i don't know i guess tings could be worse. i could always be an a.ss hole! ok so most guys are but that doesn't mean all the time.

yeah, just got back from lunch and riped the bottom pocket on my pants. d.amn british pants...but i do love them!! they just tend to make me trip. sorry memaw.

still hoping that i can get a job soon. man my room mate is a great guy! i guess i'm just time now. so i'll be signing of.

"killing time should be a crime, due to the fact that it gives me nothing but an empty day full of boredom and dumb routines."

how life progresses

2005-10-03T13:35:00.000-07:00

life as usual conitnues on its pointless little path of doom and destruction but then who says thats always a bad thing, right?i don't know i think it depend on how you look at things in life. anyways things are going. still having problems finding a job, but hope to have problem fixed this week. (wish me luck) things with j.p. are going well. we're finally in that phase where we can breath again. i however do feel kind of bad he came by last night and i didn' hear him knock. yup, i was comepletly passed out.but he did mke it up in time to retake his test.it was rather nice to hear he did it without me waking him up. not that he wouldn't have anyways but ...oh you know what i mean!! anyways the room mate and i have already discussed the whole issue of when the lease is up what are my plans./ well i plan to get a nice little one bedroom appartment and live on my own.or if it ever happens with j.p. (highly unlikely.) anywho i'm winding down now so i'll be signing off.

currently listening to: Muse "time is running out"
( it was on my radio staion at the moment.)

mood: mildly agitated

phrase for the day: sometimes i really do agree with the statement "they just needed k.illin"

j.p.s band...

2005-09-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

ok this probably doesn't interest anyone really but i had to brag on the boys and their band!! the commies are playing at the nsu block party tonight and i'm very excited for them!! so i figured this would ba a good way of letting the family know what i've been spending my free evenings on. i'm spending them supporting the b.fs band. i have also found a really good band that i am currrently listening to called the distillers. they kick some serious ass! anyways i hope to get a picture up on this blasted thing of me and j.p. or of each indiviually that always works. but you will eventually see what he looks like at least. i think i'm going to steal the picture i took of him in my last place on krystals camera. then i need her or j.p. to take a decent picture of me. this is going to be a long week. the commies play tonight & thursady night, plus i have school all week and i'm job hunting avidly. it's getting stupid.anyways just a small update for you all to read.

" i thought working was over rated, but then i stoped and thought about how much i like living on my own and being able to eat. it doesn't suck so bad after all."

all's well pt. 2

2005-09-15T08:40:00.000-07:00

well i talked to krystal last night and she understands how i feel on the subject discussed yesterday. i guess i was worried for nothing. she even feels that she should help with utilities since she does use them, but rent is not happening due to the fact that she doesn't have any personal space of her own. oh well. it seems like a good reasoning to me. so i guess i don't have anything left to worry about.

all is going rather well...

2005-09-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

all things considered life is going rather well. j.p. and i are doing well. i'm going to class regularly as is j.p. which is a deffinate change from last semester. my roommate and i are doing well in our little house, although i'm geting kind of tired of krystal always being there. it's like she freaking live ther now. the real problem is that she doesn't help with bills or anything like that. i realize that i may not have a job right now but my name is the ONLY name on the lease and i am getting a new one but i help with the bills and i help with rent and food and enerything else so i think that she should to. i just don't want to have to say anything about it because i don'tlike confrontation. it sucks. i mean even j.p. is geting mad at me because i havent said anything to them yet. i just don't want to make my friends mad. i don't know what to do and coild really use some feed back. all advice is welcome. i don't know i guess i;m just afraid of living in turmoil again. anyways that's whats been going on recently so i'm going to sign off.

" sometimes life keeps throwing me curve balls and all i can do is duck and hope they don't hit me in the head."

no yelling...

2005-08-31T09:20:00.000-07:00

ok so that the whole family is up on whats giong on, j.p. and i are actually . i AM his friend and i am happy. he is the one who came to me. he wishes that he didn't do what he did but sometimes these things happen for a good reason. i know you're all thinking to yourselfs that i'm out of my mind for giving him another chance but you can't help where you heart lies. i trust him, and i don't want you to question how he feels about me. i don't. i know that he wants to be with me and just me. i guess that i'm just trying to let you all know that i'm not going into this blind, i know what he's like and i know what to expect from him. he's not a bad guy he just doesn't think sometimes. ( typical 20-ish male.) i realize that i don't really need a boyfrind fight now but he makes me happy and i want to be with him. i hope that you guys will be happy for me in the long run at least. sorry i haven't ben the most honest about things resently.

i guess that i don't have a clue when i need one.

class so far...

2005-08-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

yup class is going well. and the morning routine has come back like riding a bike. it's kinda nice.yeah who am i kidding it's my last semester and i'm really glad it is!! my new room mate and i are doing well in our very ghetto little trailor ( most unhappy with it right now!! the ac went out completly last night!!).ralphs got him self a nice friend and i'm working my but off!!i work like 30 hours this next week, this week i was only suposed( stupid pop up blocker !! i don't know if that's spelled correctly or not!!) tolike 17 hour i've already got 23.5 hours. yeah it's getting a little annoying. don't get me wrong i love the hours it's just i'd like more than 1 day off heack i'd settle for 2. but my loser boss is a complete imbicile!!!! ok example time!! i requested my sisters b-day off 3 months in advance, he claims to have never seen it because it was in the request off book and not on the calander. retard!! any way it's just getting to be a little annoying when i don't even get the day i requested for my day off even though i have dance class on that day i still don't get it. i that place!! anyways i'm out of here!!

"stress is just lifes way of saying it aint over yet woman!!"

back in school...

2005-08-16T14:03:00.000-07:00

well i'm back in class now and things apper to be going well. i'll be posting more regularly now as well. and my sys admin has put on this new pop-up blocker that blocks my spell check so no laughing at my spelling! i'm helping make a network notebook in class right now. it's really boring. i am so tired today. i have been drinking this espresso sludge. it's not working. : [ jsut a side note i placed an application in at sonic so i may be getting a new job!! cross your fingers!!

ahh... a brief respite from the chaos

2005-07-30T18:40:00.000-07:00

i have found a new home!!! it's not exactly the best place in the world but i like it. anyways work is good school starts back up soon and that will be my last semester at the vo-tech. then it's back to college. i need a better job!! yes i have been saying that for quite a while. but then again i need a lot of things rigtht now that will lead to me getting the better job. oh i have a roommate, their name is chris. i made a new friend named matt, he works with me. yeah it's funny i am not nearly as excited to go to the bar or anything like that these days. but then again i am trying to get back on my feet so thats deffinatly acceptable. well enough babling. love to you all!!

" i hope that karma smiles on me today 'cause i sure feel a little like i'm jinxed these days. "

mass chaos as usual!!

2005-07-16T13:41:00.000-07:00

yup it has been mass chaos as usual. i got dropped for good this time. evidently i was getting boring. anyway, other than getting dropped, i've been evicted for trying to do something nice, i've been stolen from ($60 dollars may not be a lot of money but it is when you've been saving that money for a while!!!), i've been lied to and i've been blown off. yup just the usual chaos. oh not to worry everything is fine on the whole not having a place thing, a friend* is letting me stay with them, no it's not a guy this time!! anyways all things considered it could be a lot worse!! i could be living on the streets selling smack. lol don't worry i don't have the "junk" to live like that. sorry but i'm a sissy girl that must have running water. any ways i'm going to let you go now much love to my family and friends!! i will be in contact soon.
oh on a different note has anyone heard from pat since his last mass e-mail??

"you know it seems like every time i turn around the whole world is out to get me!!"

( * the name is to remain secret due to the fact that not a lot of people need to know who. )

i'm alive!!!

2005-06-02T19:40:00.000-07:00

hey! i'm sorry i haven't really been able to get online recently, but i am doing fine. i'm still seeing jp, although he's not doing to well right now, his dads health has taken a bad turn and it's really hitting him hard. but i guess these things happen and all i can do is be there for him. anyway s i might have a job lined up at loves( for real this time!)!! i'm still at the hut unfortunatly. i have never wanted someone to fire me before but i hate that place and refuse to let them make me quit. anyway i'm going to quit ramting and get off my friends computer. loved you all!!

p.s.
please send as much good karma to jp as you can i'd like him back in one piece. thanks

So close yet so far...

2005-05-05T12:56:00.000-07:00

Well it's almost the end of the semester for me, it ends the 17. I guess it just seems like it's taking forever for this leg of the year to end!! ack!!! Oh well I guess it has something to do with that whole patience thing. i'm doing wel though. i'm still in the same little appartment with the same little job and the same little group of friends. anyways i'm just glad that things are going to be a little less stressful for a while. i gues i'll talk to you guys later

alls well...

2005-04-28T14:11:00.000-07:00

well all is well on this front lines here in tahlequah. but then again i think that things will be even better when summer starts. i hope at least my hours will improve. one way or another im going to do better. well short one but an update none the less.

just a little free will can be a lot of trouble sometimes.

nothingto wory about.

2005-04-25T09:44:00.000-07:00

well my apointment friday went very well. i have not got breast cancer. so there are no more hings to worry about. this makes me very happy!! i guess other than that things are great, clas is class, work is always going to suck, and things in my love life are just as confusing as ever. oh well i guess i'm just going to deal with it.so other than that i'm just great!
hope everythng goes well for everyone else.

small silver linings are always a big deal to me.

umm...ok...

2005-04-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

yeah, i just got this call from the cherokee nation telling me that i now qualify for their coverage for cancer. lol i jsut sat there going umm...ok... so yeah if i get cancer now i'm covered. : ) it makes me laugh!! i mean i jst found out i dont have it and their calling and telling me that if i do i'm covered. that's an odd call to take durring class. i thought david (a teacher here) was going to bust a fuse his face was so red! anyways thought i'd share my odd moment for the day.

this moment brought to you by the letter z and the number 42.

resullts!!!

2005-04-14T09:32:00.000-07:00

it's all clear!!!i'm not in anydanger of cervical cancer anymore. but then again i still have to go for my mam. on 22. but anyways i just thought you all might like to know the good news. hope that everything is going well!!
love tasha

Harrumph...

2005-04-13T10:10:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I am kind of surprised that I didn't get any comments on the last two postings. Oh well I guess that I am all grown up and you know I can handle it. I get my results today and I'll be sure to give you guys the answer that has been plaguing every one tomorrow. i'm scared. i know that everyone has been telling me that it'll all be just finr but i still have a really bad feeling.i don't know. i'm probably just over reacting. oh well. an update once more on the whole jp thing i really have no idea what is going on with him. i just can't seem to figure this out. but then again i'm not really that worried about it. i have much bigger fish to fry than that one right now. anyways i'm going to go.

if the only thing i have to fear is fear itself; then how come i'm so scared of going to get my results?

disreguard that last statement!!

2005-04-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

yeah, i was wrong. while i still like him i don't think it's a good idea for the two of us to be together. my three moms were right. as was carrie and cassi. yeah lets just say i was wrong. i'm talking to him today and telling him in no uncertain terms that things can't be more than just friends. not because i don't like him, but because i know how i feel about him. it doesn't work if the feelings aren't the same. so in other words i know that i am not able to be with him. oh well i still want to be friends with him. he is a great friend. oh well so,etimes it happens.
love you all.

find myself sining the same old songs everyday
ones that make me feel good
when things behind the smile ain't ok

what wicked we play...

2005-04-11T09:55:00.000-07:00

well i guess i should let you all know what is going on. heard from jp. things are ok again. and i know what you're all saying right now you shouldn't go back to him. actually he came back to me on his hands and knees so to speak. i guess that it's not really something i'm going to be to terribly excited about this until things are a little further on. i don't know. anyways i go to get my results on wednesday and then i go in on the 22 for the mamogram. so everything is going pretty well right now schools a little weird but that's only because i keep missing days due to this stupid health thing. anyways i'm going to go send me well wishes and good karma guys!!

and i can't belive that i have to bang my head against this wall again, but the blows they have just a little more space in-between them.

kinda down...

2005-04-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

well i guess as you can tell by my heading i've been feeling a little down today. i have decided that this week i have a theme song. it's walk by blind melon.

walk:

find myself singing the same songs everyday
ones that make me feel good
when things behind the smiles ain't ok

around and over and in-between the seas
i need to be on top of a mountain
where i can see everything
cause this paranoia's gtting old

now as i open my eyes to start another day
i'm in a pile of puke
empty bag of excuses
my love for friends and family
you know i need them

and under a sun that's seen it all before
my feet are so cold
and i can't believe that i have to bang my
head against this wall again
but blows they just have a little more
space in-between them

gonna take a breath and try again

yeah that really says how i feel these days. i guess i really needed the time to my self. to understand how i really am feeling these days. down. oh i made myself sick with stress the other day. i evidently was pretty bad looking cause my teacher sent me home. it was very strange.yeah. anyways hope you check this song out sometime. you might be surprised how true it is for so many people.

loveis something we chose to do. unfortunaly i have a problem not loving people.

odd little quiz thingy...

2005-04-04T11:34:00.000-07:00

ok i took this quiz over religion a minute ago and it asks you a large amount of questions and my religion that i share the most ideals with is ism. now don't even belive in the they just beieve in linving life to its fullest. the other ont that was tied up there with ism was buddism. that was kindof cool. but i guess it really is just an ideals basis that is even remotly simular to that and religion. i don't know. it was kindof fun to take.

One incredibly fun filled weekend...

2005-04-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

well this was definitely an odd weekend/ end of the work week time period. i went to my biopsy and everything went well i go in for my follow up on the 13 and my mamogram on the 24. in other news i got totally screwed over by jp. he i guess decided that it was getting to serious or something. it started on thursday after my mom left. i made plans after i called to let him know what was going on and he just shows uo with jacob at the house with 2 sixpacks of mickey's ( ) and then leaves with jacob and cassi and just says i'll talk to you later. friday i called to see if he wanted to do something and when we were on the way back to my place he calles jacob and invites him over a little while later i invite cassi over and when they start to leave cassi invites me over to play cards or dominoes and jp and jacob say they might join us after jp eats and they jam for a while well we get there jp goes to eat and the three of us star a hand of cards when he comes back he gets all ey cause no one wants to go down with him while he smokes so he just up and dissappears. so i told him he needed to figure out what he wanted. i got my answer and on sunday i took over all his stuff that he'd left there and wrote him a letter that pretty much told him everything he's been trying to keep from earing. oh well i guess the saying is true there's no greater furrey than a woman scorned in love. but i wasn't mean i was honnest. i even had someone read it before i gave it to him.oh well i guess i jjust will continue to be single. i'm just fine going back to living the way i was. i'll pend ways less money at the bar this way.

seems i'm always trying to find the brite side of getting dumped.

Dr.'s appointment...

2005-03-28T12:15:00.000-08:00

Ok on a good note I have finally fit into a pair of my skinny jeans!! They are actually a little lose but that's ok cause then they'll still be comfortable when I eat. On a not so good note : well I know only a handful of you know about this but I go in for a biopsy with my gyno on Thursday due to an abnormal test result. And on Friday I go to get a mamogram done due to the fact that they have found a lump in my left brest. Don't worry I'll let everyone know how it goes and what the think this is. I personally would like to not have to go and end up getting a phone call saying " oops we were wrong and there is nothing wrong so don't worry about it!!" yea in my wildest dreams. Anyways things other than that are going well mom and Sylvia broke up, JP and I are doing well and pat has a nice new ready made family that he's getting rather involved with its very nice to see him so level and involved in omething other than gaming. Oh well. Anyways I just wanted to let the family know what was going on. Wish me luck and don't worry about it. I'm sure everything is going to be just fine. Love you all and will post again leater.

the medical field needs a facelift... or something like that.

J.P.

2005-03-23T10:25:00.000-08:00

hmm... i think i am actually the boy now, because we went to the bar last night with our friend jacob and this question came up in conversation about being a considerate lover and all and then he asked me . the thing is that noine else has really seen that type of interaction before now and so i guess that jacob is the first of my friends to findout officially. anyways not to worry i'm a good and... yeah i really don't care anymore. sorry.but its true. i'm 21 and an independent woman so i don't feel so bad anymore for telling the family what's up. i have however decided that him living in the dorms is a definate drawback. to much like highschool again, people have been all up in jps face asking "whats going on with you and tasha?" and the only thing that we say is "what concern is it of yours?" i guess i have grown out of the overtly public touch feelly ness that seems to accompany so many of my peers and theur realtionships. it seems a little pointless to me. i mean sure we'll hold hands or hug or whatever but nothing like you see most people my age doing. that just kind-of seems a little so i guess i have matured a lot from high school. anyways it just struck me as odd that he would ask me that in the bar with jacob there. oh well hope you all are doing well and i'll updat more later.

sleep is NOT an over rated thing in life!

ahhh!!!!!! to many thing going on!!!!!

2005-03-22T14:15:00.000-08:00

ok now to explain, i have recently gotten my phone turned back on and it has been a nightmare since then.
anyways, jp and i are doing just fine. he's starting to figure out that i am not really like other s, but thats ok he hopefully gets used to it. i've been working my little tail off at work and had three of the worst days at work ever!! these three far beat the whole job i had this summer and it really sucked!! but that's ok i spent some time with my dad and mom and then i spent some time with my mother and sylvia so i gotso family time done and i got some me time and a little just me and jp time so it's not really been a bad few weeks but it's just been VERY stressful. but i guess i can handle it after all i am stronger than that. oh and i'm doing a little better on the whole feeling really depressed thing and i'm watching myself and how often i eat. but anyways i just thought i'd give you an update and to give you a little literature for the day.

The Lovesong of J Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot

Let us go then, you and I, When the evening is spread out against the sky Like a patient etherised upon a table; Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, The muttering retreats Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells: Streets that follow like a tedious argument Of insidious intent To lead you to an overwhelming question … Oh, do not ask, “What is it?” Let us go and make our visit.
In the room the women come and go Talking of Michelangelo.
The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes, The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening, ed upon the pools that stand in drains, Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys, Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap, And seeing that it was a soft October night, Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.
And indeed there will be time For the yellow smoke that slides along the street, Rubbing its back upon the window-panes; There will be time, there will be time To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet; There will be time to and create, And time for all the works and days of hands That lift and drop a question on your plate; Time for you and time for me, And time yet for a hundred indecisions, And for a hundred visions and revisions, Before the taking of a toast and tea.
In the room the women come and go Talking of Michelangelo.
And indeed there will be time To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?” Time to turn back and descend the stair, With a bald spot in the middle of my hair— [They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”] My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin, My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin— [They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”] Do I dare Disturb the universe? In a minute there is time For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
For I have known them all already, known them all:— Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons, I have measured out my life with coffee spoons; I know the voices dying with a dying fall Beneath the music from a farther room. So how should I presume?
And I have known the eyes already, known them all— The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase, And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin, When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall, Then how should I begin To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways? And how should I presume?
And I have known the arms already, known them all— Arms that are braceleted and white and bare [But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!] It is perfume from a dress That makes me so digress? Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl. And should I then presume? And how should I begin?
. . . . . Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?…
I should have been a pair of ragged claws Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
. . . . . And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully! Smoothed by long fingers, Asleep … tired … or it malingers, Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me. Should I, after tea and cakes and ices, Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis? But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed, Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter, I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter; I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker, And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, And in short, I was afraid
And would it have been worth it, after all, After the cups, the marmalade, the tea, Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me, Would it have been worth while, To have bitten off the matter with a smile, To have squeezed the universe into a ball To roll it toward some overwhelming question, To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the , Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”— If one, settling a pillow by her head, Should say: “That is not what I meant at all. That is not it, at all.”
And would it have been worth it, after all, Would it have been worth while, After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets, After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor— And this, and so much more?— It is impossible to say just what I mean! But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen: Would it have been worth while If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl, And turning toward the window, should say: “That is not it at all, That is not what I meant, at all.”
. . . . . No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be; Am an attendant lord, one that will do To swell a progress, start a scene or two, Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool, Deferential, glad to be of use, Politic, cautious, and meticulous; Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse; At times, indeed, almost ridiculous— Almost, at times, the Fool.
I grow old … I grow old … I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach? I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach. I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.

Go me...

2005-03-04T09:44:00.000-08:00

Yeah the title doesn't really explain the feeling that I have going at the moment. I am currently doing ok but I feel a little crappy. So I guess it's only natural. I had a nice session of comfort the friend last night. My friend J.P. was having a rough night, and cassi and I helped cheer him up. It was fun but I need to start doing that on the weekends. Oh well I learned my lesson wait I think I said that last time. Oh well I guess it takes a couple of tries to get things right. Anyways last night helped me realize how important my family is to me. My reasoning is I saw how badly and deeply the hurt goes when you lose your sibling last night and it pains me to think of that happening to anyone in my family, but all I really know is that J.P. is going to be ok and I hope that I helped him feel a little more like people are worth caring about again. Anyways I've rambled on enough so I'll be signing off.

all good things must come to an end at some time.

And the bronze goes to...

2005-03-01T11:27:00.000-08:00

Yup you guessed it! Me!! I have managed to injure myself a little, I hit a wall and managed to jam my knuckle a little. Ouch. But as I was saying:
This years bonze metal for stupid injuries goes to, Tasha from Tahlequah!! Lets hear it for the !!
at least my sense of humor is working properly.

life is great 'till reality knocks and says it's time to leave the house."

phone is down...

2005-02-25T09:22:00.000-08:00

well i'm sorry to say thatmy phone is currently down until change checks come out. or untill i can get a hold of someone at the office here in town but it will be back here in a little while. sorry for the inconvienience but these things happen.got's to have the cash to have the phone. so if you need me you all have my e-mail address and i will be in class every day at indian capital technology center, so try there. anyways i just wanted to let you all know.

"bleak things always seem bad till something worse happens."

class..

2005-02-24T13:58:00.000-08:00

well it seems the education gods are loking down on me!! i have somehow managed to get to take my a+ class after all and not have to take the cisco class!! go me!! AND my financial aid has cleadred and comes in on the 10 or 11!!! the day has been pretty good for me!! ( knocking on wood right now!!) so i think that this year will be a good one for me. anyways am feeling much better the alergie meds i bought are working wonders, only problem is they meake me kinda drowsy. other than that things are going pretty well, am working like a dog and loving every minute of it but unfortunatly that means that i'm totally exhausted. meh... it could be MUCH worse.
but once more, all good things mustcome to an end!!

stupid hospital...

2005-02-22T09:42:00.000-08:00

well this has been a very retarded week so far and it's only tuesday. the whole thing started with me going to the hospital to get that testing done with and they were closed for presidents day. ( grumble...) then i wasn't supposed to work but like the idiot that i am i called to see if they were going to need me. they did and i closed. i didn't get out of there untill 11:30-ish. (another grumble...) this did not improve the fact that i've worked all the way through the weekend and i work tonight to. yup youi guessed it the dreaded "kids night". not really looking forwad to it but that's ok i need the money.
so anyways i'm going to be singing off i've got more work to do.
p.s. not sick just hyperactive alergies!

sinus infection...

2005-02-18T10:22:00.000-08:00

as my darling little sister stated i did have a sinus infectio not t long ago to be exact i had on in november. but the weather this year has been a little weird. so ofcourse my alergieds are going haywire. ( yech... drainage...) so anyway's the meds that i got wed. have been working ok, i am still having problems caughing things up but it's a little easier than before.so i'll b keeping it aroun ill monday. the only down side is they make me a little jumpy. so that maens that i've been up a lot later than i want to be. nyquil is my friend!! almost didn'thear my alarm this morning!! that would have sucked, eventhough i have 2 day's left that i can miss i still don't like to miss to much class. yea shocking to hear me say but this program moves really fast. well i am going to go now becuase i'm tired and it's slmodt time for break.

the word for today is BLAH...
BLAH as in :
i feel so very blah that i just feel like going back to sleep.

still sick...

2005-02-17T08:47:00.000-08:00

well i'm still sick but i figured out that it's not "the crud" but a sinus infection. bigger bummer than before. the only plus side is that i don't have school on monday so i'll be going to the doctor on monday. the other thing i'm doing monday is getting tested for hypoglycimia. this should make everyone that has been worrying feel better. i decided after tuesday night's little dizzy spell that it's time. anyways i will let you know how that goes. i think i need to meet a group of guys that aren't all in relationships. my friend D. has decided that i'm supposed to be "the other woman" in his life or something. i don't know. anyways i'll keep you guys updated on the testing. wish me luck.

getting sick... : (

2005-02-15T14:16:00.000-08:00

ugh... i getting sick!! evidently i was getting sick before i gave yesterday so it just gave the crud an opening. that really sucks. my throat is hurting me and i have this annoying caugh that doesn't do anything to help it only makes me hurt more. ugh... i really can't afford to get sick so i guess i'm just going to have to suck it up and get over it. so yeah, i somehow managed to misplace $10 last night. that really sucks. i the way people get when ther's a wait on dinning in on valentines day. last night we had SEVERAL tables just up and decide to leave becuse they didn' get their food in like 10 min or something. this isn't fast food i mean if you've got a waitress then it's going to take atleast 20 min to get your food you know!! and people please tip your waitress!!!!!sorry it's my rant for the week looks like i'll let you know if i get any more sick or anything like that.
love you guys and send me some get well wishes cause i feel like hell!!

this is funny!!!

2005-02-14T09:46:00.000-08:00

Juggling
TROOPERA
North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on southbound I-95 about 2 miles North of the South Carolina state line.When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah GA. to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk good old boy, from N C., got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the passengers door and got in.The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

jsut thought i'dshare this little bit of humor!!
enjoy!!

drunken fool...

2005-02-14T08:55:00.000-08:00

this weekend clara and i got to play the prts of the drunken fool. it was very fun. in explanation clara and i planned a weekend of things to do that started sat after we both got off of work. we rented movies, bought some liquor, fired up the blender and got shnookered.it was great. on sunday we awoke with mild hangovers and went to pizza hut to pull weeds, poor clara was still suffering from her head ach, but it was nice. anyways, that night we thought we'd have a few more dinks and then i'd go home, didn't happen i haven't been home since saturday afternoon.it was very fun!! anyways the only down side i have found is at 9:30 and i didn't get a chance to eat anything for breakast. it's gonna suck. lol!! that was funny and not intentional. anyways just thought you'd like to hear about the fun i had this weekend!!

"she's not stupid, she's advanced!"
the tallest, invader zim

post more later!!

update...

2005-02-09T09:45:00.000-08:00

well i ahve decided that i am not a very nice person. it seems like i am able to hurt people a lot easier these days than i used to be able to. i don't know might just be a fase or something. although i did have an interesting conversation with mom (linda) the other day that helped me realize that i'm not nearly as shallow as i thought. evidently it all stems from the whole cavemqn mentaliy of wanting to creat a helthy child. stupid internal clock. but thats ok i have found a way to defeat it!!! i just won't date anyone for a LONG time!!!

i shall conquer you all!!!!MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! ahem... sorry about that.

in other news the superklutz-capdes have started for this year in all of its usual glory!!
the opening ceremoney was me tripping over my clogs while carriyng a glass of water and falling onto the arm of my couch *ouch* without spilling the water!! due to these events i have managed to bruse my sternum. now my couch is not exactly the plushest couch ever created in fact it not really very squishy in general. i think the word is... firm. there is NO padding on the arms of my couch. the only problem is the place i brused is that area where the center of a bra sits and if you wear underwires they tend to aply pressure in this place everytime you move. wow. so happy about this.
anyways other than these few things everythings great!!

advice 2...

2005-02-04T12:35:00.000-08:00

to all those who ever douted the wonderful help of advice don't anymore! mom has hit everything on the head i can't belive her mind reading prowess!! lol i guess that was a little dramatic but allswell.
anyway while i'm thinking about it i officially went to my first bar last night. it was fun bu not what its ed up to be. i get the feeling that the bar isn't going to be an integral part of my life. not to orry i was responsible and had a ride home from a sober friend. i also was up and in class today with no grumbling because i was hung over. i sucked it up and suffered in my own cubicle!! but anyways just thought i'd tell you about my adventure into the relms of "the bar"
signing off!!

just stupid!!

2005-02-04T12:26:00.000-08:00

it's official i'm just stupid. i'm breaking things off with arron. i'm not ready for a relationship right now. i'm only 21 and i don't need that kind of stress nor do i need to be tied down.arrins a nice guy but i don't think it's a good idea for me to date people inside of my ususal group of friends. it just makes things weird. i feel really bad for chris and carrie because they are caught in the middle. i guess i just broke my own rule of thumb. don't date guys in your group, it always makes things messy.anyway i guess the biggest reason for leaving him is that i just can't see myself with him. i don't know, i know it's stupid but i just can't see myself kissing him. and when i did it felt... well it felt wrong. like i was forcing it or something. i don't know. so i think i'm done. i more than likely wont be seriously anytime soon. i guess i don't have anything else to say but this wow was i just being stupid!
sighning off

me being a moron...

2005-02-03T09:47:00.000-08:00

well as usual i have managed to be a total moron and rush into things. i guess it's just enevitable. so if you guys want to please tell me what to do. things feel strained and just weird and i think he's taking things MUCH more seriously than i have been and i think thats where the weird is coming from. i don't know. anyways i guess i'm not really sure what ot do and could use some freindly advice. just let me know what you think is going on so that i can get things to be a little easier for me to exist. thanks

update...

2005-02-01T08:51:00.000-08:00

well here's the update. i am now arron. he's a really nice guy. not "exclusive" yet but just started at this whole thing again. so anyways i hope that you'll all give up the support for me and i'll keep you updated in things. i'm sorry this is so short, but i don't really have much to say.

yesterday was weird!!!!

2005-01-27T12:10:00.001-08:00

well if you couldn't tell from the title yesterday was REALLY weird!! my hororscope was terribly vague but somehow right. the days events went as normal as can be expected but then again it's never a dull moment here. got out of class went and hung with carrie before she went to work and came home then arron came over, now then arron and i have been getting to know each other for a while now and i guess it was bound to happen; but by the time i got back home last night i was him. i think. maybe. idon't know. well it's not that i don't like him it's more that i don't know that i'm really ready for a steady relationship yet. i mean i'm only 21 and that's a lot of responsibility to just suddenly have thrown onto your plate!! i don't know... i feel like i'm making excusses to not be with this person but then again i have been single for a while now and i really like being single but i really like arron. do you see the dilemma?? anyway any and all advice is welcome!! thanks.

update in classes!!

2005-01-27T12:10:00.000-08:00

ok to update everyone on my current class thing. i'm doing really well but i am still ejoying my courses. class is a little difficult but it's not an easy occupation either so oh well. but any way at all i plan to finish with flying colors. just thought i'd update on the school thing.

Silly !!

2005-01-26T07:38:00.000-08:00

Aquarius
This could well be a day of romance for you -- and if it is, the news can only be good, and set to get better. The heavens have arranged a full buffet of sweet, tender energies to assist you in creating not just the perfect loving ambience, but also the right way to express all those emotions. Are you ready to let go and be totally emotional? Because ready or not, here comes your chance. -
i guess those people are a little off in the head!! i am not currently "interested in someone". i am however greatly injoying the freedom of NOT being in a relationship. silly silly forutne tellers!! anyway i just thought that would be a little entertaining for you all.
tasha

Strange understanding...

2005-01-21T06:33:00.000-08:00

Well I have had a sudden realization in that somehow my friends seem to be in better understanding of how people view me more than I do. So I guess that I am a little confused. But then again sometimes that isn't hard to do. The epiphany came this morning when I realized that a friend of mine might like me as a little more than just a friend. Now while he is a VERY sweet person and a VERY good friend, he's had some hard times and you can visibly tell, unfortunately he is unable to get his problems taken care of because he can't afford the medical bills. So I guess it all comes back down to the fact that I am a terribly shallow person for not liking him because he's not "pretty"( as my dad has called the majority of the guys I have dated). So when I am asked if I am shallow these days, I can no longer claim to be in the not category any longer. Just a few words from my daily grind.
love tasha
p.s. here's what the s say for today.
Long-distance friends and lovers will be on your mind and in your heart, and you may even be moved to get dressed and hit the road. That goes double if you've got something to celebrate, which you probably will. Just don't forget that there's someone (or perhaps even a couple of someones) who'd like to join you. Call them, make some plans and get ready to party. -

Apartment update...

2005-01-17T11:56:00.000-08:00

ah in the usual idea that life is never dull I have recently discovered that I have the worlds NICEST landlord ever. I was how you say... a little behind on my rent and he managed to give me time( well sort of) to get money together so as to be able to keep my apartment. well as we all know I am not exactly in the best job feild right now to make money so thanks to the kindness of my family I have officially paid off my landlord and can now start saving for this months rent. which should be rather interesting considering the fact that my current employer is a bit daft when it comes to scheduling. so I guess i'll have to pray that the place I applied to is willing to hire me. pray to the gods that they do 'cause I know no one wants me crashing on their couch till I get back on my feet. LOL, just a little joke i'm fine and I do hope to get this new job so as to keep my lifestyle that i'm wonderfully acostomed to. ( being thin rox!! except for the whole easily getting cold thing that really sux!!) signing off!
love tasha

sisterly advice...

2005-01-12T07:30:00.000-08:00

i love my family!! just when it seems like the whole world is in an uproarus cycle one person seems to give some wonderful sisterly advice, just because one person doesn't take advice very well doesn't meani should give up. so i haven't and i hav efound this same person to be in full support of me being in my vo-tech classes. i am very thankful for this person! (thanks sis!) i hope that none are harmed or hurt by anything said on this blog update.
signing off with love!

advice...

2005-01-11T07:36:00.000-08:00

you know when people give dvice they usually aren't meaning it to be rude or taken in the manner of well criticism but some how people seem to think that that's all that it is used for. i gave a few words of adivce to my sister and she got qiute displeased with me. i didn't say these things to upset her but i didn't want her to fight with mom when she saw the newest post that she had made. so i guess in trying to help i hindered instead. so when giving advice i would suggest that people not try it.

blah...

2005-01-07T11:35:00.000-08:00

hmm... the statment that this country makes me feel all blah like, is starting to be a gross understatement. i feel like everytime i hear someone disscussing some new tv show i should just slap them. has no one heard of a book or a movie yes i know the state of movies is progressivly declining when it comes to having a good plot line but come on the only shows tht people really watch are these "reality" shows. if you want reality read the news paper or walk out side and see it for yourself!!! I swear thatr this nation is turning into mindless drones that are being spoon fed the same stupid that makes them all stupid!!! AAAHHH!!!! i know that poeple have ben saying that tv rots your brain but i'm starting to heartily agreewith them all. i personally only watch tv these days if i'm sick or need to watch the weather. i have quit watching local news because the local beurocrats run it; and if i wanted their right wing fundamentalist views i'd ask for them.so anyway i have decided to make my own personal protest on tv. i'm sorry that it seems my post this time is very negative but i've been surprisingly negative myself recently. so sorry and hopeflully it will get a little britter in the future.
love tasha

time to catch up...

2005-01-04T10:26:00.000-08:00

Well i figured I'd follow in my big sisters foot steps and set up a blog for myself; this way no one can say that i don't keep people informed of events in my life. So on to the saga:

I have recently started my new classes at the vo-tech and am feeling rather good about it.

I'm already almost done with my first project, and while it isn't a very complex project i feel it is a good tiding of things to come. So i have decided that men need serious mental help. If you're curious why, they just seem to have some of the absolute WORST timing.

But I digress. The holiday turned into a very eventful and exhausting endevor. I spent christmas at my mothers and somehow managed to save a very precious puppy who now lives with my friend Carrie*. I then spent time at dads house to cellebrate the holliday. then went to a bellydancing class, helped grandpa diagnose his computer adn then spebt some time with my friends: all this and more in less than two days! lets hear it for multitasking!! but new years eve was a night that i really wih i had stayed home. i got to stupid and stayed up way to long but then again new years eve only comes once a year. : ) back to reality...I've ofcourse been working until I collapse so now it seems I will never have the energy I once had. Recently I have been working the average hours of an assistant manager at ( shudder how emberassing!) pizza hut. but then again a job is a job when you're still in school. Dad was right hood sux!! anyways Im not as capable as chris rachel in the whole writing scheme of things so this will have to suffice. sorry i'm not a very intertaining person, but onlly time will tell as to how long that takes..